Quite by accident I found myself travelling to Ottawa via train. Well, the train part was not an accident, but the travel was. Even more by accident I found that my trip to Ottawa (at least 50% of it) was by first class. Instead of doing a recollection later on, I reckoned that I would liveblog this journey.
1715 hrs
In the train. I entered the wrong coach. They judged me first and then grovelled when I showed my 1st class tickets. That’s right plebs.
1720
Sitting in the right coach now. Lots of leg room. Very hot looking women here.
1721
Oh god made eye contact with one of the hot women. Must look away.
1721
Now her big male friend is looking at me. I am calmly checking my seat for irregular stitching.
1722
It is all good now. They have gone back to talking to each other.
1723
Wait, they are offering drinks already. Do I have to pay? I have never travelled first class. I am going to order pop just in case I have to pay.
1727
Damn. Alcohol was free.
1728
Telling the world over Gmail and twitter that I am travelling in First Class. Basking in my friends adulation.
1730
What was that ?!?! Oh, hah. We are moving. Silly me. I forgot where I was.
1731
I still have internet. This is a good thing.
1745
They are handing out menus. And we are only at the first station. I am never travelling like plebs again.
1747
Cute woman is asleep now. She has hot boots. Outside scenery is of …nothing. Sad. Oh wait houses. Man those houses must hate trains.
1800
Just saw the menu. Turkey cacciatore, stuffed pasta thing and salmon. Having the salmon. Hope it does not turn out like Airplane, as I do not know how to land a train. I also do not know how to drive one, as I have no license, train or otherwise. No, not drinking as I do not feel the need to supplement fish with beer. Walnut apple cake for dessert. Double W00t. *note to self* Must stop acting like a poor person.
1801
Just prevented a disaster of massive proportions. Saved my neighbour’s drink from spilling. I am a fricking hero. She thanked me, I pretended it was not a big deal. I wonder if she can read this. Hello neighbour.
1810
At Oshawa station. Waiting for commoners to embark and disembark. I look at them with scorn. Why are the attendants not rushing to my side with nourishment. Heroes should not be kept waiting.
waiting….
waiting….
1900
Oh wait. A trolley. Hooray it is the appetizer. Quite succulent. That is what a rich person would say, right? Oh, maybe one glass of white wine will not really harm me.
1915
This wait is interminable. I wonder how fresh the fish is going to be. I simply cannot stand store bought you know.
1925
Ah yes, the good man who brings food has arrived. It smells appetizing.
1928
Umm… I finished it.
1929
I ate the dessert as well.
1931
Hmm. I think I might have eaten my food too fast. Others are still unwrapping their food. I am now staring at the pretty girl’s food. Oh hey guy, yes, I will take the baguette
1931
Ummm… I eated it and have resumed staring. She’s thin, I don’t think she needs to eat all that food does she? I mean will she really miss the cake?
1945
Yes, I will have the second glass of wine
1946
Also the decaf coffee
1947
Free chocolate you say. Yes… OM NOM NOM NOM
1949
No I do not need no goddamn liqueur… I will take some more wine and sparkling water though.
1951
WHEEEEEEEE……
1956
I am not as think as you drunk I am
2014
zzzzzzzzzzz *snork* I think we are at Kingston. Oh! I mean we are leaving Kingston. My head hurts. I am going back to sleep. I hate wine.
2021
Drinks trolley. Get thee behind me drink of Satan. I asked for a ginger ale. He told me that they are only doing bar now and that he would come back for pop. I think my poor parts are showing again.
2030
Pulling into a small town called Gananoque. Why it does it sound like a disease of the… you know… lower parts.
2035
The train horn keeps tooting. As I am listening to Stephen Fry caress my ears with his dulcet tones (I am listening to a Harry Potter audio book), I cannot help but think I am heading to Hogwarts.
2055
At Brockville. Ho-hum
2105
CHUG-A-CHUG-A… TOOOOT TOOOOT
2120
I have no idea where we are. Oh god Smith Falls. Be scared. BE VERY SCARED.
2140
Almost there. I give this trip 18 thumbs up. I shall wrap this up. And so ends my brief foray into the world of the rich. Now, I must mingle with the rest of smelly commoners. Oh well.
